Not really letting this go, sigh. On the surface I am, doing all the things I need to be doing. Putting on a happy face to the rest of the world. But besides the soundtrack constantly running in my head, I’m not sleeping and I can’t sit down and read a book. When I am deeply upset about something those are the two big glaring road signs saying “you can run but it’s all here waiting”. Not sleeping is due to nightmares. I seldom have nightmares usually but when I do they are never something scary or lurking somewhere but emotional nightmares. I start dreaming that the people I love the most don’t love me anymore, like say my mom. My mom has been gone for over 10 years and I know without doubt she loves me the way only a mom does but that’s what happens when I sleep. I wake up devastated every night as if it were real even though it’s not. Pretty much up for the night after that. Reading, well reading has always been my escape from the world. I read like other people watch TV. I never have a “waiting to be read pile”, nope never. However right now I have the attention span of a 3 year old. Normally takes me about 2-3 hours to start and finish a paperback. Been trying to read the same book for 4 weeks. Ughh!
This situation opened up a bunch of old wounds for me. Wounds it took me a long time to move on from, years actually. One would think if you got over them once you would know you could do so again, doesn’t seem to be working that way though. My self confidence is in the toilet. I feel ugly, and unattractively fat, and insecure, and needy, and unwanted and unlovable. Like every other chick on the planet has got something I do not, that makes them worthy of kindness, love and gentleness while I am not. Like I am defective. Anyone else is better than me. How’s that for a fucked up and irrational state of mind? At least I am not compounding it with the same actions as I once did so I must have learned something. Small consolation.
The fat kid that doesn’t get picked for dodge ball. Yep. I quite drinking 10 years ago, not because I was an alcoholic or anything but because it didn’t work well with what we thought were anxiety attacks. Now wine is my friend, I don’t even like wine but it keeps my high strung self calmer. Too bad it’s 10:30 am or I’d be having some now.I’m smoking almost 2 packs a day, was down under 10 cigarettes a day before. Yep, I’m a mess.
Also, I don’t believe in blaming others for my issues. The fact is the way I am feeling lives in me and I am responsible for it, unfortunately his aim was dead on for my weakest spot. The actions and words were like reliving the worst relationship in my life. Most people don’t see that their hurting someone else and keep doing it. Fucking apologize! You know you were an asshole. I think that is what is keeping me stuck. If you cared at all or even had a sense of decency you apologize. To not do so just means you don’t give a fuck at all about me and the person is below even treating with the respect another human being deserves. That pisses me off and hurts like hell at the same time. I mean really after all this time that’s how little you think of me? I deserve better than that.