Suck it up Buttercup!

by Kerrianne | Nov 29, 2014 | Uncategorized

Not really letting this go, sigh. On the surface I am, doing all the things I need to be doing. Putting on a happy face to the rest of the world. But besides the soundtrack constantly running in my head, I’m not sleeping and I can’t sit down and read a book. When I am deeply upset about something those are the two big glaring road signs saying “you can run but it’s all here waiting”. Not sleeping is due to nightmares. I seldom have nightmares usually  but when I do they are never something scary or lurking somewhere but emotional nightmares. I start dreaming that the people I love the most don’t love me anymore, like say my mom. My mom has been gone for over 10 years and I know without doubt she loves me the way only a mom does but that’s what happens when I sleep. I wake up devastated every night as if it were real even though it’s not. Pretty much up for the night after that. Reading, well reading has always been my escape from the world. I read like other people watch TV. I never have a “waiting to be read pile”, nope never. However right now I have the attention span of a 3 year old. Normally takes me about 2-3 hours to start and finish a paperback. Been trying to read the same book for 4 weeks. Ughh!

This situation opened up a bunch of old wounds for me. Wounds it took me a long time to move on from, years actually. One would think if you got over them once you would know you could do so again, doesn’t seem to be working that way though. My self confidence is in the toilet. I feel ugly, and unattractively fat, and insecure, and needy, and unwanted and unlovable. Like every other chick on the planet has got something I do not, that makes them worthy of kindness, love and gentleness while I am not. Like I am defective. Anyone else is better than me. How’s that for a fucked up and irrational state of mind?  At least I am not compounding it with the same actions as I once did so I must have learned something. Small consolation.

The fat kid that doesn’t get picked for dodge ball. Yep. I quite drinking 10 years ago, not because I was an alcoholic or anything but because it didn’t work well with what we thought were anxiety attacks. Now wine is my friend, I don’t even like wine but it keeps my high strung self calmer. Too bad it’s 10:30 am or I’d be having some now.I’m smoking almost 2 packs a day, was down under 10 cigarettes a day before.  Yep, I’m a mess.

Also, I don’t believe in blaming others for my issues. The fact is the way I am feeling lives in me and I am responsible for it, unfortunately his aim was dead on for my weakest spot. The actions and words were like reliving the worst relationship in my life. Most people don’t see that their hurting someone else and keep doing it. Fucking apologize! You know you were an asshole. I think that is what is keeping me stuck. If you cared at all or even had a sense of decency you apologize. To not do so just means you don’t give a fuck at all about me and the person is below even treating with the respect another human being deserves. That pisses me off and hurts like hell at the same time. I mean really after all this time that’s how little you think of me?  I deserve better than that.

Aha moment

by Kerrianne | Nov 20, 2014 | Uncategorized

Just because it made me smile

Knew I would get there eventually. God always gives you what you need but you have to listen. Light bulb went on and  know what I need to do. Last year with everything some things hit home and what is truly important to me became very clear. At the end of the day you never truly regret caring or loving, putting yourself out there, taking chances,you only regret the moments that passed when you didn’t. Even if it turns out badly you know you did the right thing. Got caught up in drama and forgot that. I had just realized that and lo and behold minutes later ran across the excerpt below. Will probably disappear again for awhile now that my head is straight. Until then I present pig in boots…

Here’s one to give some thought to…

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use.

Bad, bad me.

by Kerrianne | Nov 16, 2014 | Uncategorized

In returning here to say what I needed to say I realized I was lax in keeping up with my pet project. Really curious to see this slide show someday. First pic is me in Halloween hooker style, second is me after coming back from Florida. Nope I didn’t dye my hair again went from red to blond from the sun. If I lived there it would definitely bleach out.

Ah Florida, well I am still licking my wounds but that’s about all I can do right? Don’t really understand the whole thing. I mean everything was fine until 3 weeks before and that’s about when he got douchey. Accepted the reason provided for that. I think if he changed his mind for whatever reason, he should have manned up and said so instead of making me feel crappy.Talk about mixed messages and I have never been good at sorting through those.  Bottom line is I thought we were friends, I was definitely his friend anyway. I am a lot of bad things but if I care about you I’m pretty much in for the long haul in whatever way you need me to be. I really am the friend that would help you hide the body 🙂 He said he needed a friend, well he had one. Guess that doesn’t mean much to him or he didn’t mean me, so what else can I do but let it go. I’m not the type to stick my hand out for you to hold and keep getting it slapped away. Just sad about it. will be for awhile. Won’t even get to say anything about it because I would have to initiate that conversation too and I won’t. Can’t really lose friends though just find out who really is one right? My heart is big and stupid, my brain is not.  Learned that lesson for the last time. Which isn’t to say I wouldn’t be there tomorrow if he asked me to. I make it a habit to not lie to myself about things like that. I wish he would say something but he probably won’t, I wish things were different but they probably aren’t. Sad, sad, sad.

What else has been going on…. Well last year they thought for sure I had cancer in one of my ovaries. Thank God when they took it out there wasn’t. Go me! I opted to only let them remove the one unless they actually found cancer and were setting the staging for treatment. Some people disagreed with that, quite vocally actually, but I figure if I made it 42 years before the first one went I have a 50/50 shot of skating on the other.  Apparently, that procedure set off a chain of events that lead me to having an overactive thyroid from Grave’s disease. It’s an autoimmune disease which I am genetically predisposed to. I felt fine actually and it was found in a general checkup and some subsequent tests. According to the docs I was in a serious way so now I’m taking 4 pills once a day and waiting to see what happens. Sure I’ll be fine, my evil is strong.

Company I worked for was sold and merged with our largest competitor so after 16 years I resigned in July. Too hard to watch the great company we built be turned to shit. I met some good people but for the most part those making the decisions were a bunch of fucking idiots who just make really bad ones. If there was another game in town they would have tanked already. Couldn’t stay for that. Trying to get my own business started and a couple of side projects for steady cash flow. Been head hunted and offered a few positions, just not sure I want to go back to a corporate environment although I really miss the money.

Good news is I finally got on a plane. Piece of cake! Funny how scared I was before I did it. Now getting I’ve applied for my passport and I’ll be off. So many places I want to go and see.

While I’ve been writing I’ve downed 2 Vente Latte’s so I need to go bounce around. Will most likely be back to whine some more. My corner of the web and I can have a pity party if I want to!

I gotz luggage

by Kerrianne | Nov 13, 2014 | Uncategorized

Bah! Why I avoid crying at all costs, my eyes are so puffy and swollen. Sort of sneaks up on me now and again. I mean if that whole small doses thing was true and not said in anger than it means we were never friends right? All things considered that really sucks. I mean me, the bitchiest bitch has always tried to be nice and understanding to him and this?? What’s the point can’t do anything about it. It’s done.

How do I even do this?

by Kerrianne | Nov 10, 2014 | Uncategorized

Been a long while since I’ve been here. Guess I really did create it as my virtual therapy support system. I have only ever heard a truly broken heart once before in my life and that was well over ten years ago. You know the kind that you feel like you can’t breathe because you can’t get away from yourself. Different this time but the at the heart of it still the same. You care about someone in whatever way  and to find out how little regard they actually hold you in just kills.  I thought we were friends, guess not. I need to get all this out so I can let it go. Not going to be easy.

A few months ago I won a stay at a vacation condo in Destin Beach, FL at a charity auction. It was all an accident as I don’t fly. Inadvertently bid on the wrong item and of course as Murphy’s law would have it won. Posted some stupid status on Facebook about it and apparently that’s the moment I set myself up for where I am now. A “friend” joked about being a chauffeur.  I had never even thought of driving there, but after a few days I was like “Hey why not?” Pretty much figured he was joking but when I asked him he said yes. Yeehaa I was going to the beach! Sun and fun!

So the background to this is that  the “friend” was a guy I would occasional knock boots with over the years but that I had a bit of a soft spot for. Good guy, cute as fuck and I adored him. Never analyzed why, just did. Cocky and arrogant but fun. He and I were a lot alike. I won’t lie and say I didn’t care more than I should but I know the rules. I used to joke he was my one that got away. That was years ago though, really just Facebook friends now. Joke here or there. So yeah going to Florida with him was a little weird but I really didn’t think anything of it. Like I said he was always a good guy, figured we’d have fun and not see each other for another five years. I’m very good at accepting moments in life for what they are. It was J, so why not? What harm could come from saying hi to an old friend, be nice to hang out with him.

I’ll tell you what harm. Having that person act like they can’t fucking stand you for seven days, up close and personal in your face one minute, then be the person you’ve always known the next. Whiplash. Never saw that coming but apparently according to him he can only stand me in small doses. Wow, considering we never spent more then 12 hours in each other’s company at any one time, most of it fucking or sleeping, he must really dislike me. That hurt. Add onto that the humiliation of playing farmer’s virgin daughter bedtime for a week ( that means he slept above the covers on the furthest possible point on the other side of the bed.) and I’m feeling pretty great right now. It was like here is the line, don’t cross it, stay away from me. I mean why did he even go? I didn’t deserve this. I have never been anything but his friend and that friendship was never conditional. It just hurts.

He was nicer to strangers then to me. Like I had done something to wrong him. I know that I didn’t and I know he’s probably got other issues which aren’t mine to talk about here and have nothing to do with me, but really? I want to be angry because it would be easier but the truth is I’m hurt, really hurt and it’s not going to be a quick thing to get over. I know  intellectually this should not bother me so much. He is not a part of my life and this shouldn’t matter. Don’t know about him but I don’t treat my friends that way. There are always the people that without any rational explanation shine brighter to your heart and they can break it.